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He'd heard that beautiful music made people cry sometimes. Leonard had never understood it... because if something was beautiful, why be sad?

White lilies blossomed at the alter. Leonard could feel the burning stares of his family... all staring at him as he stared at the casket. His shoulders burned from keeping themselves still... because she wouldn't have wanted him to cry... she wouldn't have wanted him to feel grief, only relief for the end of her suffering.

However, when the choir girl opened her mouth and began to sing "Amazing Grace," he let tears slide down his twelve-year-old cheeks. He wiped at them furiously, hoping that his Mother wouldn't be too distressed in Heaven.

The divorce wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't been for Joanna. It would have been easy for him and his wife to just yell and scream at each other... but... his daughter... a four-year-old couldn't be exposed to... that. Not if he had anything to say about it.

"Daddy, where are you going?"

Joanna, the one and only good thing to come out of his marriage, was standing at the door in her PJs. It was a hot, Georgia night, and Leonard only had the clothes on his back. He turned to see his ex-wife leaning on the bedroom doorframe with her arms crossed and Joanna on the last stair, both of her hands holding the banister.

"I..." He dropped to his knees and hugged her tight. "I love you, Joanna."

The feel of her tiny fingers digging into his back made his breath catch.

"I love you too, Daddy." The crickets seemed to roar, and the world outside seemed so dark and so vast... but he was safe in his daughter's arms... and Jesus why couldn't he stay... if only he could stay... "Daddy, please don't cry. Daddy?"

Leonard hated space. So many ways to die... and there was only so much he could do. And that was just accidents, not Romulans being pains in the asses. Everyone thought they were going to die that day... so when Kirk sat down in that chair and Spock exhaled... it clicked.

They were all going to see tomorrow.

Everyone was shaking, even as they cheered, you could hear the tremble of 'holy-shit-we're-all-still-here' behind it.

The first thing Leonard did was hug the living daylights out of Jim.

"You son-of-a-bitch... Goddammit, Jim..." His vision was burry and his grin couldn't have been bigger. "Dumb-ass prodigy."

They separated and Jim smirked like the arrogant kid people once thought he was.

"This dumb-ass just saved your life." He could barely see Jim's face. "Dude... are you cryin'?"

In any other situation, he would have been embarrassed... but at the moment he didn't give a damn.

"Don't be an ass."

"Doctor, it would be inadvisable to insult the Captain."

"Who said anything about insultin', hobgoblin? It's a known fact!"

Where as he may have grimaced at how the words came out... at that moment, it didn't matter. Jim laughed, and Leonard chuckled while wiping his eyes. To this day, he swore that Spock allowed his lips to twitch upwards for a few seconds.

They could tell him it wasn't his fault a thousand times and he'd still be there, hunched over and trying not to vomit. He couldn't stop replaying the moment when Christine walked through the door with the results...

If he had waited a few seconds longer... Spock wouldn't be blind. If he had just waited... he wouldn't have royally fucked up the best First Officer in the damned fleet...

Spock hadn't spoken for several minutes... and Leonard stole a glance at him... to see him staring blankly at the ceiling...

All his fault.

Leonard buried his face in his hands. Why was he so stupid? It wasn't like he did it on purpose! Sure, the half-Vulcan could be annoying with his logic... but... he was intelligent and... loyal. He was a part of the perfect team that was the Enterprise. They were... compatible, all their quirks aside, it was the perfect way to... be.

Gone. That was gone now... why couldn't he have just waited---

"Doctor?"

Picking his head up, Leonard saw that Spock was now sitting up and staring at him with that damned unreadable... wait...

Staring at him... Spock was staring at him.

"You can see?"

"It seems, Doctor, that my blindness was only temporary." It's strange, Spock noticed the tears before McCoy did. "You are distressed at this... how puzzling."

"I'm not... dammit!" He wiped at his eyes furiously, shaking with relief... rage and embarrassment. "You didn't know this was gonna happen?"

"No, I was not aware, Doctor."

Spock's eyebrows were still raised. Leonard felt blood rush to his face. He gave his eyes another rub and took a deep breath.

"Well, c'mon, let's go tell, Jim."

"You are... collected?"

"Just shut up and get going!"

Usually it was Jim who was prone to physical fights. Leonard had met the Captain when he was a young man just itching for a rush. Even then, McCoy had thought that he had grown out of that shit... especially since he was a Chief Medical Officer... and if you were to ask him, he'd blame it on the alcohol and the fact that it was so damn hot.

They had stopped for fuel on... he couldn't even remember. Jim, Spock, and Leonard were sitting at a bar, out of uniform. They drank (except for Spock) and Jim wandered off to flirt with the prettiest girl in the joint.

At that point, the good Doctor's head was swimming happily in booze. He remembered Spock excusing himself to use the facilities... and he remembered grunting in response.

"Was that Commander Spock?"

McCoy turned to see a rather... well she looked like a pitbull whose face had been run over a few times. The only way he knew it was a she was by her airy, lovely voice.

"Uh---"

"Half-Vulcan... how unfortunate."

It was the booze that made him lean in closer.

"Unfortunate how, ma'am?"

"Vulcan's are notorious for their logic... but one with human blood... he must lack in intelligence due to his human genes."

Okay, it was one thing for McCoy to poke and prod Spock about his human heritage, but there was no way some floozy, misinformed---

"He is intelligent! Human genes have got nothing to do with---"

McCoy had no idea that he had been raising his voice... or that this female as dating the biggest, most easily agitated guy in the bar.

"You got a problem with my girl?"

McCoy didn't bat an eye.

"No, sir, but I have a problem with her ignorance---"

He never got to finish the sentence due to knuckles digging into his mouth. The man was so much stronger than McCoy, but he'd like to think he had gotten a few punches in before Jim and Spock pulled the man off of him.

All Leonard caught was Spock pulling one of his nerve-pinches and the guy dropped like a sack of potatoes. Jim was pulling him up, and McCoy touched his nose, and shouted.

"Dammit! Holy--- God-dammit!"

Broken... perfect. The tears were blurring his vision and he groaned as Spock easily supported him, taking him back to the Enterprise. Jim had... left Spock to care for him... and so there was silence as the First Officer assessed his injuries.

"Your nose is broken... and I believe three of your teeth have been removed." McCoy snorted. "Of all the times you have consumed alcoholic beverages none of your reactions have been violent. Why the sudden outburst in aggressive behavior?"

McCoy rolled his eyes, blinking away the pain.

"I don't know, Spock. Just blame it on my damned emotions."

They didn't speak for the rest of the night.

A few days later, McCoy was giving annual physicals. There hadn't been anything out of the ordinary. But when he heard Spock's voice at midnight, he closed his eyes, willing the dream to end.

"Doctor? Doctor, it is imperative that I speak with you."

Leonard's blue eyes cracked open and he sat up, growling as he shuffled over the door. He unlocked it, allowing Spock to step through.

"What is it now? Who did we piss off---?"

Hot fingers touched Leonard's temple. Blue eyes widened in the dark.

"Your emotions are... more chaotic than usual." Leonard didn't even dignify that with a response. "Why did you fight that man, Doctor?"

"I wasn't doing much fighting." McCoy shifted, those fingers still on his face. "Take a look, if you want to know so bad."

His Georgia accent drawled out to the Vulcan, and his fingers relaxed but remained.

"My mind to your mind."

'My thoughts to your thoughts...'

Leonard could feel his eyes widen, but he could not see his room. His mind was suddenly not alone in his own head, and it was alarmingly comforting. He could feel Spock... and he... his mind smiled in greeting.

Spock's presence rippled. McCoy appeared in the darkness, a gold aura surrounding him. The Doctor held out his hands, staring incredulously at the gold hues. Spock emerged, and there was no gold around him.

"Doctor... if you would kindly recall that incident."

He didn't want to, but there it was. The woman, the remarks, the drunken pride and anger at her... ignorance and her boyfriend.

And then he saw it from Spock's point of view. He saw himself taking the first punch and crumbling. He felt a rage that was not his... a pain that was not physical. Floods of worry, confusion, anger, and desperation. None belonged to McCoy so who---

What was THAT?

Leonard had time to wonder about the choking heat... something primal and heart-breaking... but he was mentally and physically shoved away.

McCoy was sprawled on the ground, panting heavily (without tears, for once). He coughed, cursing Spock's physical strength. And that hobgoblin was turning to leave... fat chance he was!

"Hey!" Leonard grabbed Spock's wrist, fully aware that the First Officer could free himself with little effort. "What the hell was that for? Huh? Goddammit, Spock, listen to me---"

Spock turned and had McCoy's back pressed against the wall so fast that the Doctor's head spun. Spock's hands had trapped his wrists... and there was no way he could break a Vulcan's grip. He let out a shuddering breath as Spock inhaled slowly.

Yet he did not speak. McCoy shifted, now suddenly realizing that he was only wearing pajama pants. Spock's skin was so hot... it almost burned.

"Spock?" Leonard cursed at the uncertainty in his voice. "Hey, whatever you saw in my head... my thoughts, don't sweat it." He crossed his eyes and shook his head, anything to get the First Officer to relax. "I've got a lot of garbage rattlin' around up there."

Whatever Spock had seen must have really spooked him. Rolling his eyes, McCoy opened his mouth, but was cut off by the warmest pair of lips he had ever had on his mouth.

A shock traveled through their lips and down both of their spines. Spock exhaled sharply, resting his forehead on Leonard's.

"This is... illogical." There was a slight buzz where their skin met. "I... I do not understand."

Neither did Leonard. As those long fingers slid down his wrists, Leonard realized he didn't understand a lot of things. All of their arguments, their exchanges... disagreements and emotions clashing with logic... what did it really mean?

"Goddammit, Spock."

Leonard entangled his fingers with Spock's, earning a barely contained moan from the half-Vulcan's lips. The Doctor raised his eyebrow, smirking at the First Officer's... human reaction. He rubbed those fingers, and he was rewarded with a hitched breath and a flutter of eyelashes.

Ah... they could figure it out later.

Tags: slash, spock/mccoy

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